EgoDecember 1, 2011 at 6:40 am

Gifts for Everyone

What to buy that special stereotypical someone.

Faryn Pearl

The Texter
What to get:  Texting gloves from ($17.99)
Why: They seem to subsist on those jingly incoming text message noises. Cold shouldn’t get in the way.

The Listserv Spammer
What to get: Non–texting gloves
Why: Slow down their inarticulate little fingers with bulky mittens.

The Dental Student
What to get: Panasonic ER421KC Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer ($15)
Why: Prevent a problem before it starts, and everyone wins. Nothing trims hair like the ER421KC.

The Guy Who’s Name You Always Forget
What to get: Monogrammed Hat from Land’s End ($21.50)
Why: If that still doesn’t work, you have a neurological problem.

Faryn Pearl

The RA
What to get: Earmuffs
Why: So they can stay warm and toasty and oblivious.

The TA You Have A Crush On
What to get: Hit on them, not subtly.
Why: Life is more exciting this way. You are only young once.

The Pothead
What to get: A Wawa giftcard
Why: Munchies, 24/7. And at such a reasonable price! No matter what state of mind they’re in, this is a good deal.

Faryn Pearl

The Person You Just Shouted Out
What to get: A dozen warm Insomnia Cookies ($12)
Why: You’ve just subjected them to a semester’s supply of shame. They probably developed PTSD, poor thing. The least you can do is give them a cookie.

The Tutor
What to get: Nothing.
Why: No gifts — they need to focus. Your grades depend on it, goddamnit!

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