How to go to the gym without breaking a sweat.
You are a regular college student. You eat a barrel of chicken nuggets before every meal. Don’t be alienated by the sweaty people in the windows; they’re just on the treadmills so they can watch TV — or stare at food trucks. Pottruck is for you, even if just the thought of walking to the fourth floor for a class has you reaching for the anti–persp.
1) Showing up is enough. First, make the rounds. Show that you’re there, that you exist. Make sure to look smugly at the poor dopes on the treadmills. Pottruck is a place to be seen. Interest in physical fitness is just an alibi.
2) If you’re really fixed on doing something someone might call exercise, look to Yoga or Pilates. Yoga is exercise for the Buddha. Pilates is exercise for infants. Both are known for gently easing you into a comfortable animal–themed sitting position. Neither are known for their athleticism. Just like you.
3) But seriously, there’s so much more to Pottruck than that. For example, there’s the sauna. Since people sweat when they exercise, and people sweat in a sauna, and you are a person, you should get in the sauna and never leave. Plus, if a Stranger–Heart–To–Heart is going to happen anywhere, it’s going to be the sauna. Or a stopped elevator. But a sauna you can plan! Drop your pants, grab a towel and start talking.
4) If we’re dealing in stereotypes — and we usually are — the golf simulator is schmooze–a–thon training ground for a future captain of industry like you. You’re going to have a boss one day, and, with the sorry state of gender equality in this country, he’s going to want to golf, and you’re going to want to be there. So get good now. That’s what college is for.
5) All this thinking about the future is stressful. Everything is stressful. You’re under a lot of stress and I just don’t know how you do it. Get a massage (every Tuesday and Thursday) and then BURSAR it. And after your parents call to scream at you for BURSARing a massage, get another massage. Angry parents can be stressful.
6) A good way to cope with stress is through food. Yes, many would say that the point of Pottruck is to burn calories, but did you know that most of the calories you burn are just your body keeping you alive? Replenish your weary, weary self at the smoothie bar. It’s like fruit but pre–chewed and chilly. The perfect way to end an afternoon of not pushing yourself even remotely close to the limit.