1. Run into and catch up with an old flame. Why does her son have your blue eyes… and your name?
2. Complain about the location of your class’s Ivy Stone — by the Houston dumpsters.
3. Donate enough money to the University to ensure that little Ethan gets a room in the Quad. Because heaven forbid he should have to live in Gregory.
4. Hook up with an undergrad… who may or may not be your wife’s great–grand–little. (Keepin’ it in the lineage! Hellz yeah!)
5. Overuse “Occupy” references until another alum in the 1% kicks you in the kite and keys.
6. Pass on your infinite wisdom to the younger generation of Penn students. Teach them to fiddle with their beepers to avoid people on Locust.
7. Bring your child to play on the Button, where he was conceived.
8. Get drunk at Smoke’s for old time’s sake. Accidentally present your fake. Bad habits die hard.
9. Talk about how nothing’s changed since you left, except that. And that. But really, where’s Logan Hall?
10. Wear your old frat or sorority gear… if it still fits. Or exists. (Lookin’ at you, Phi Siggy.)