Lowbrow gives you tips on how to avoid a hairy mess.
By Merlin’s beard! It’s Movember already and Lowbrow is tired of spotting ill–groomed beards and tacky chinstraps all along Locust. That’s why this week we’re taking a page out of Seventeen Magazine (literally, this was in their 2002 issue) and providing a guide to No–Shave November for guys and girls alike. (This section is brought to you by the Men’s Center. It’s in the Women’s Center. Right behind the Wo. If you hit a girl, you’ve gone too far.)
It’s hard for me to truly get into the No–Shave November spirit. I know everyone suggests that I grow out the hair on my legs and armpits, but in this cold weather, such celebratory measures are hardly recognized under all my winter layers.
Dear Hairless Female,
Your hairless nature should by no means deter you from participation in this holy tradition. In fact, under certain pressures, women indeed have the capacity to grow facial hair in the same way that men have the capacity to lactate. Why else would women’s faces be covered in soft peach fuzz and men’s bodies be equipped with two nipples? We recommend you slather on some Rogaine and see where it takes you. And if all else fails, we have provided a festive cutout for you and your sistren.
Lowbrow Top Ten: Movember Dos and Donts
1. Do, if you need it, get a head start in Awktober.
2. Don’t dye your facial hair. No frosted tips, no highlights, no purple streaks, nothing.
3. Do shampoo and condition. Lather, rinse and repeat.
4. Don’t go to the airport. You will be interrogated.
5. Do name your beard. (Something more macho than Fluffy but less intimidating than Thor.)
6. Don’t wuss out and shave your beard over Thanksgiving. (Tough noogies, Mom.)
7. Do eat carefully. No one wants to see your Hansel and Gretel trail of crumbs.
8. Don’t walk too closely behind a girl at night.
9. Do shave in December.
10. Don’t forget that Movember is really about men’s health… and winning your fraternity’s prize.
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