HighbrowNovember 11, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Dispatch: Theos Does Woodser

7:25 pm: As instructed, the sceniest scenesters show up for the mysterious (not so mysterious) field trip dressed in white.

7:27 pm: Haven’t seen a white tracksuit since 1999. JLO called and she wants her wardrobe back.

7:30 pm: Awkwardly standing outside buses. We all file aboard according to unofficial sceney hieracrchy.

7:37 pm: Buses depart. Theos upperclassmen bellows, “Shit’s bout to get freaky in the woods”. This is starting to sound more and more like a plot line from a cliched horror film. Am I the only one who’s seen The Blair Witch Project?

8:30 pm: Freshman girl begins to vom…first casualty of the night. I feel sorry for her but then again NSO is over, handle your shit.

8:31 pm: Her date is nowhere to be found…

8:47 pm: Buses strangley pull over. Apparently we’re taking a pee break? Is this some sort of pre-woods bonding experience?

9:45 pm: Buses pull in. No one seems to register the eerily desolate campground through the raging house music. See a glowing orb in the distance.

9:50 pm: Stumble off the hell bus. Crowds disperse towards tent.

9:52 pm: RAGE RAGE RAGE. Might as well be at Whisper.

10:56 pm: Find myself standing close to a large campfire. A bit too drunk, am in danger of falling in.

10:58 pm: Decide fire isn’t the best idea. Forage for food in an attempt to sober up. Why do the random men cooking hamburgers look like lumberjack serial killers?

10:59 pm: Whatever. Food is food.

10:59 pm: Accidentally brush ketchup all over some JAP’s white parka. Scurry away before she notices.

11:03 pm: Back on the dancefloor. RAGE RAGE RAGE.

11:05 pm: Am being pulled to the nearest elevated surface. Pose like a pro for the hired photographer. Bankers in one hand. Theos bro in the other. Double fisting.

11:45 pm: Re-boarding. Notice no form of attendance being taken. Pretty sure some frosh were left doing the dirty in the woods.

1:05 am: Finally arrive back on earth. Venture to TriDelt’s Pancake Breakfast for a snack. Assure sisters that their Woodser is ”Like totally better!” Don’t want to jeopardize my chance at getting pancakes.

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