EgoOctober 27, 2011 at 6:23 am

Family Halloweekend

This year, the scariest thing about Halloween might be its overlap with Parents’ Weekend. These multitasking tips should help you out — and make you feel only somewhat morally corrupted.

Faryn Pearl | 34th Street

Get your parents drunk    
Are your family dinner plans conflicting with that Halloween pregame your friend planned? At dinner with your parents, slip a little Banker’s into that Diet Coke you ordered. In fact, slip a little something into everyone’s drinks — in no time Mom will be flirting with the waiter and Dad will start looking more than drowsy. They won’t even bat an eye when you slip out of the restaurant in the lingerie that constitutes your “costume.”
Guilt–O–Meter:DEPENDS. If your parents were planning on drinking at all, they’ll just be shocked at how drunk they were. If they weren’t, it might be illegal.

Blame your roommate
This technique requires some advanced preparation: start trash–talking your roommate to your family for several days preceding Parents’ Weekend. Describe in detail his or her messiness, drug addiction, alcoholism, sexploits and petty crime so that any and all Halloween debauchery can be immediately blamed on your roommate. Live in a single? Penn squirrels are rowdy for a reason: they’re the perfect scapegoats.
Guilt–O–Meter: HIGH. Blatant lies and throwing a semi–friend under the bus? Not so classy.

Faryn Pearl | 34th Street

Decoy costume
Mom’s going to want to see what you’re wearing out to your “Spooky Halloween Mixer,” and she probably won’t be too psyched about your “Female Firefighter Whose Clothes Have Been Almost Entirely Burned Off” get–up. Costume on the bottom, then fake costume, then coat. The ideal fake costume complements and accentuates your actual costume. Or just have your parents think you’re going in a suit of armor every night.
Guilt–O–Meter: MEDIUM. If you’re good with Facebook privacy settings, they’ll never know.
Shoot for brunches with Mom and Dad 11 a.m. or later
Chances are, they’ll want to have both breakfast and second breakfast with you, at 8 and 9 a.m. respectively, Sunday morning. Tell them you’ve got a study group. Parents love study groups. Also, may we suggest bringing your trick–or–treat bag from the previous night, in case your upset stomach has a trick of its own in store.
Guilt–O–Meter: LOW. They’re the ones with the empty schedules.

Ditch your parents    
Your parents want to tag along and, you know, meet your friends and stuff. Ditch those parents and sneak into the Quad (or another dorm) with your PennCard. Without you, they’ll have nowhere to go but away. Rip up the Parent Passes for good measure.
Guilt–O–Meter: MEDIUM. They didn’t really want to see you anyway.

Pretend you have a life
Time to hide your lack of a social life: Mom lets you have a glass of wine at the obligatory dinner out. “It is Halloween weekend, after all! You kids go have fun,” your Dad says. Thank them for their social generosity, and commence your actual plan: watching Hocus Pocus on Megavideo alone in your bed.
Guilt–O–Meter: LOW. It’s less guilt–inducing than it is embarrassing.

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