Friendships are fickle. Especially at Penn, where besties sabotage each other just to get ahead of the curve and roomies hook up with the same guy behind each other’s backs. But before you get mad, here’s a nice little list of ways to get even with the people you call “friends.”
1. Memorize their Penn ID# and bursar meals to their account at Houston Hall like you’re an anorexic eating for the first time in months.
2. Hack into their Blackboard and email everyone in their freshman writing seminar saying how much you miss them… all written in lolcatz language.
3. Sign them up to join the listservs of obscure organizations at the SAC Activities Fair. Such groups include but are not limited to: Chinese Christian Fellowship, Dermatology Interest Group and Penn Gamers Club.
4. Send pledges to serenade them with a soulful rendition of “Birthday Sex” or “In Da Club” in public. We suggest a 100+ person lecture or Greek Lady to optimize embarrassment.
5. While they’re at Copa, sign them up to sing some of the world’s worst karaoke songs. Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You,” Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” and Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield” will suffice.
6. Make an expensive order at Sitar to be delivered to them. If they decide not to pay, then the delivery man might get in trouble. Oh well, just another casualty in the crossfire.
7. Write a conspicuous and explicit Shoutout revealing the fact that they still wet the bed or made out with their cousin once. Really guys, we’re gonna need material for Shoutouts.