Thank you, freshmen, for your inspired inquiries. Now allow us to impart our wisdom upon you.
Q: How many ears of corn should I hang up in my dorm to remind me of home?
Street: It really all depends on how many hanging ears of corn you plan on drunkenly consuming raw during your first week at Penn. For the average Quaker, this is probably a figure somewhere between three and eight, but typically not five.
Q: How likely is it that I’ll join the ranks of the ranks of Penn sex gods before me and have sex under the button?
Street: Keep in mind that the real sex gods have sex on top of the button. But tell me more about yourself. We should get coffee some time.
Q: How much would I have to get paid to lick the statue of Benjamin Franklin on a bench?
Street: That’s a question to ask yourself. Because one day in the next four years, a person with a briefcase full of bills will approach you, and say something like, “Step into my office.” Turns out, the office is a urine–shellacked statue and the business deal is some very expensive tongue–on–Ben action. How many thousands of dollars would be worth it? It’s a personal question.
Q: Can I switch into the Quad by saying that I have a doctor–prescribed fear of rats? I hear Hill has rats in it and I’m a little worried to be honest.
Street: If you’re living in Hill, rats will be the least of your troubles. Be more worried about getting a room smaller than a closet, or gaining an extra freshman 15 during the winter (outside: snow, inside: unlimited food, you do the math). Fear of rodents or not, you should do your best to live in the Quad. Relax, usually an essay will get you in, but we hear they’re giving a single no questions asked to anyone who signs up for FlingSafe.
Q: What’s the deal with fake IDs? I was thinking about getting one, but is it necessary?
Street: This is the deal. If you wanna go to downtowns (which is when frats invite you to party like rockstars at clubs they rent out for a night) and shmooze with the top of the top, the cream of the crop, then a fake ID is definitely necessary. Also if you plan on trying (and failing) to get into Smoke’s as a freshman or going to any other local bars then an ID would probably be a good call. But if clubs and bars aren’t your thing, then no worries, your real age and name will get you anywhere else you need to go.
Q: On a scale from 1 to finding a younger sibling’s sexts, how generally awkward is it?
Street: I don’t generally consider finding my younger sibling’s sexts awkward. He’s a great writer. Vivid language. But if you and your siblings don’t have the sort of understanding I have with mine, then maybe a brotherly sext hints at the awkwardness at NSO. Hence the alcohol. Be safe, kids.
Q: Is it possible to walk all the way across campus in under 10 minutes?
Street: If you walk exactly as fast as Google Maps does, 11 minutes from Hill to Qdoba (that’s 34th to 40th Street). My opinion is that Google Maps walks fast, but I’m quite short and extremely slow. Comparisons to a penguin’s gait have been made. I usually plan for around 15 minutes for the walk, sometimes 20 if I’m feeling extra waddle–y.
Q: Summer dresses for NSO? Too dressy?
Street: Summer dresses are a great choice for the daytime. A cute outfit can always serve as an icebreaker between you and your fellow froshies. Although you are arguably never too slutty–dressy for Spruce Street shenanigans, spare yourself the trauma of flashing your knickers and let the prospect of beer soaked stairs, gyrating bodies and leering frat stars help you decide what to wear at night.
Q: Is there a way to have a great social life without getting wasted?
Street: Never fear, vodka–h8r! You’ll be shocked by the diversity of hard–partying to hard–Netflixing every Saturday night. Penn is teeming with as many options for you as anyone. Join a Greek society; the older members will kiss your feet for filling the sober quota at every party. Check out as many BYOs as possible, and actually remember the food. Organize a rousing game of flashlight tag in the Quad’s courtyard. If none of this works out, start smoking pot.
Q: How is the weather at Penn? Lots of snow preferably?
Street: Welcome to Philadelphia. You now reside in a city whose yearly snowfall wavers between two and 65 inches. We get it, you’re from SoCal and your great–uncle Milt won’t stop telling you about those wonderfully white winters he had as a boy in Boston. Never fear, come December you’re sure to see creative writing majors from the Kelly Writers House sledding over the 38th St. bridge on “borrowed” BPUB books, snowfall or not (that’s Business and Public Policy, for those of you who care).
Q: How likely is it that I will get laid during NSO — what’s the best way to go about this?
Street: Fairly likely. And the best way is to ask an anonymous advice box…
Read Part 2 of Ask Ego here.
Read the rest of our NSO Freshman Guide here.