TV RecapsJune 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

TV Recap: Fer-Tographing With the RHONJ

Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 3 Episode 7

Hey, look at that! I remembered that the Jersey housewives had shifted to Sunday, AND we get a supersized episode. Aren’t you lucky? This week, the action doesn’t take any time to get going, as the episode picks up right as the showdown between Teresa and Melissa is getting good. Melissa wastes no time continuing her word-butchering crusade with “fer-tographers,” before the conversation shifts to money. The sisters-in-law remain disappointingly civil, and Teresa seems hell-bent on leaving the past in the past and moving forward. Melissa skeptically agrees with a half-hearted hug. Jacqueline interrupts with a cookie break at exactly the right time, and Melissa breaks out the best type of big-haired vintage Teresa pictures. As the confrontation winds down, we get another reference to Jacqueline punching Caroline in the face, which is the sole reason I wish the Real Housewives of New Jersey had existed nine years ago.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: the Caroline radio show storyline needs to die ASAP. It’s nice that she’s kind of doing something with her life for once, but how about we move on already. Apparently Melissa has to pay for her own nanny, because Teresa is hogging Mrs. Gorga as her babysitter. She’s just trying to keep it all in the family, Melissa, jeez. Family comes first!

Watch out Catskills, here the housewives come! A road trip with Teresa and Jacqueline actually sounds like hell, so it’s no wonder that Caroline opts to travel solo. Side note: another storyline that needs to end is Kathy as some sort of culinary mastermind. Wow, she can make cannoli; alert the media. The only thing more horrifying than the crocheted teal headband that Teresa is sporting as she enters the cabin in the Catskills is the extensive collection of stuffed animals all over the walls. Scratch that, it’s Teresa with a gun. Watch out world.

A huge Italian pasta dinner ends, and of course, a pizza-making competition commences, because, yes, the cabin is outfitted with a wood-burning pizza oven. Everyone seems to be pretty comfortable, with the obvious exception of Jacqueline, whose “Nutella calzone” seems highly dubious. Never mind cooking prowess, what Jacqueline wants, Jacqueline gets, and she claims the trophy as her own.

The search for a restaurant for Kathy is on, and she has her best detective outfit on to find one. Kathy doesn’t like what she sees, so the action quickly shifts back to Teresa, Joe, and their sex toys. Talk of Joe’s endowment is mercifully short, and Teresa puts on her best pink fuzzy boots to take some shots at watermelons from the porch. Caroline shows up, and she brings Albie, Chris, her friend Dolores, and (surprise!) more family-talk mumbo jumbo along with her.

Joe talks about something new and different, Teresa’s spending habits, as the women head to the town deli and inquire about the area nightlife, which is unsurprisingly lacking. It turns out the dinner the night before was nothing compared to the feast in store to celebrate Caroline’s arrival. Unfortunately, the guest of honor seems horrified by the whole roast pig and declares that her meal will consist of pancakes and popcorn instead. That makes two of us. Courtesy of the disturbing fact department, we learned that both Jacqueline and Joe Giudice can do the splits, and I will devote no more of this recap to that disturbing image.

The parts of the weekend that members of the Catskills clan are not eating or shooting produce, they’re inevitably riding four wheelers (or “quads,” in Jersey speak) while drunk in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, back in Franklin Lakes, Melissa and Kathy attend Antonia’s dance recital, which is a truly disturbing affair. After a couple of geriatrics and uncoordinated teenagers embarrass themselves, Antonia does her routine, which primarily consists of her doing spins and being lifted in the air by a comparatively huge African-American adult male. Almost as horrifying is the “New York-style” B&B Lounge that the Catskills group hits up on their night out. There’s a lot of flannel, some line dancing, and very few eligible bachelors for Dolores.

Before we get back to the end of the episode, I’m just going to say it: Monte Carlo looks amazing, and I’ll be there opening weekend. Ok, back to Jersey, and Caroline is already done with the Catskills. Before she gets out, though, she and the rest of the gang pay a visit to the chapel on the property. Caroline and Jacqueline dissolve into laughter, and with that, the episode mercifully concludes. Next week, the nonstop holiday parade continues with Christmas, which hopefully definitely means more drunken shenanigans are on the way.


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