Dos and Don'ts of Fling.
DO STOCK FRESHMAN FRIENDS’ ROOMS WITH ALCOHOL
You sneakily sat next to that freshman on the first day of the writing seminar that you finally got around to taking. You stealthily started conversation waiting in the omelet line at Hill brunch. You even promised to take one under your wing and explain the ins–and–outs of Greek life, which are the best food trucks and how to perfect a passport copy. Sure, part of it was to massage your ego, but we all know why you really did it, and now it’s time to reap the benefits of your patience and forethought: fill the rooms of your freshman friends with copious amounts of alcohol. After all, you earned it.
DO BRING A CAMEL BACK
The Camel Back user is a rare blend of happy and hydrated. Oh, you’re not up to date on your mountaineering equipment? A Camel Back is a refillable bag that you can store in your backpack which is then connected to a mouthpiece for convenient, hands–free binge drinking. Think catheter, but in your mouth. Mmmm. Need to sneak your morning Mimosa into the Quad? Don’t mind making friends and spreading germs through mouthpiece sharing fun? Then run to EMS immediately to pick up a CB of your very own. A tip for the amateur Camel Backer: hide the mouthpiece from those nosy Quad Police and you’re golden.
DO MAKE IT TO THE QUAD
Honestly, of all the decisions you’ll have to drunkenly make over Fling, this should be the easiest. There’s a laundry list of reasons that you should head to the Quad, but let’s be real, you probably don’t care about your friends’ “bands,” and you definitely won’t remember seeing them if you happen to stroll by their 20 minutes of Fling fame on the Upper/Lower Quad stage. The real reason you should make it to the quad involves the copious amounts of drunk freshmen you’ll get to watch making fools of themselves. Imagine (and experience) it: drunk freshmen passed out face–down in the grass. Drunk freshmen drunkenly hitting on each other. Drunk freshmen drunkenly hitting on you. Drunk freshmen puking at the feet of peeved Allied Barton employees, etc. But seriously, it’s all fun when you’re drunk too. And on the subject of our beloved security guards, the rush you’ll get sneaking a flask’s worth of Tortilla Gold through the gates is unparalleled. Trust us — we’ll see you there. At least for half an hour.
DO BUST OUT THE NEON
How many times a year do you get a legitimate excuse to dress head–to–toe in the most ridiculous colors you can find? Unless you’re in some sort of zany performing arts group or happened to stumble upon a time–traveling hot tub, the answer is probably about zero. Thankfully, the warm weather and pervasive drunkenness make Fling the perfect time to frolic around campus in all your favorite florescent hues. Everyone will be too inebriated to judge you, and basking in the bright glow of your outfit will elevate the already lifted moods of your wasted companions. Another plus: when you get really drunk and wander into traffic, you’ll be hard to miss. Who knows, your questionable fashion choice might just save your life.
DO EMBRACE YOUR INNER KID AND PLAY IN THE MOON BOUNCE
Let’s face it, as long as you’re hanging out in the Quad all day, you are not too cool to lose your mind inside a moon bounce. Those plastic worlds of joy are the purest way to get high during Fling. Your friends may judge you, but if they do, gently remind them that last one in’s a rotten egg. Kick off your shoes and grab your chubbiest friend to make sure you get the most air. After this weekend, there will only be a few more times when climbing into one of these inflatables is socially acceptable — and they’re all future Flings.
DO MAKE A WAWA TRIP
During the party marathon that is Fling, constant nourishment is essential. And while fried Oreos are delicious, they really just don’t cut it when you’re trying to refuel. That’s where Wawa comes in. A drunk Penn student’s paradise, this one–stop shop has everything you need to survive the weekend. Pace yourself and take a break from the festivites to enjoy some well–deserved carbohydrates. You can even pick up some condoms and a toothbrush while you’re at it (… because you really never know where Fling will take you). After a hearty dose of meatballs in a cup, you’ll be able to party that much harder and last that much longer.
DO PRETEND TO BE AN ALCOHOL MONITOR AND STEAL BOOZE
What do you do when the first unwelcome hints of sobriety start to creep in? The distance home is way too daunting, so here’s a helpful tip: pretend to be an alcohol monitor and confiscate liquor! It’s simple, really. Walk through the long hallways of the Quad and listen for any sounds of debauchery. Put on sunglasses to hide your bloodshot eyes and just hold it together for a few moments — the panicked freshmen will totally believe anything you say. Tell them you must take away their alcohol and within moments you’ll be downing Banker’s out of a water bottle.
DON’T PUNCH SOMEONE
We know. It’s really tempting. Especially when you’re about to be written up and trying to hoard your substances. But resist the temptation to seriously injure any person of authority, a member of MERT or even your bestest friend ever because she like totally is hooking up with your crush. It’s just not worth the First Step lecture that will obviously follow.
DON’T BLACK OUT BEFORE NOON
A wise bro once said, “Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.” While many people might find this to be true during Fling, there is such a thing as getting a bit too wasted too soon. As much as we all love a good drink on a sunny Fling morning, one must not overindulge in the glory of day drinking at rapid–fire levels, because getting too fucked up to stay awake is no fun for anyone. In other words, PACE YOURSELF. With all the innovative ways to sneak alcohol into the quad, there’s no reason to drink it all up before noon.
DON’T SLEEP THROUGH THE CONCERT
It’s 6:53 p.m. Your eyes open. You are in bed, cacooned in your wonderful down comforter. That was the most–needed nap that you’ve ever taken. The jungle juice, vodka–whatever and flat beer that you consumed throughout the day have left you feeling like a squirrel is gnawing on your temples. Ouch. The last thing you want to do is get up, deal with crowds of people, hear loud music or drink more alcohol. GET OVER IT. Fling only comes around once a year. Grab a red bull — or make Street’s Fourloko recipe. It’s a rare opportunity to see a concert with so many of your friends and to get the chance to see Ratatat, Flo Rida and Lupe perform on the same stage. Added bonus: there’s a high chance that you’ll get to witness (or provoke) that pretentious kid in your recitation try and fail at crowd surfing.
DON’T GET DEHYDRATED
Drink water — a lot of it. So much that you feel like your whole body is being diluted. Enough to make your pee as clear as out of the faucet. Drink water until the frequency of your bathroom trips is raising suspicion. Chug it, sip it, gulp it, anything to make sure you’re swallowing gallons of the stuff. Do everything but attach your mouth to a fire hydrant. Dehydration might make you feel a little drunker, but the next day your brain will feel like it is both drowning and on fire. And in the case that your body seriously succumbs to the combination of heat and alcohol, have fun explaining that hospital trip to your parents. So drink a lot of water and treat your body like a very fun temple.
DON’T LOSE YOUR PENNCARD
On an average week at Penn, it’s inconvenient but not impossible to live without a Penn Card. You can sign yourself in at VP and you can tell them your number at Houston instead of swiping, should you decide to actually pay for your salad. But this Friday and Saturday, your card is your only key to the Quad and all the wonders inside it. Quad security is much stricter this week about signing yourself in, so if you lose your card or leave it at home, you better be a really talented gate climber or skinny enough to squeeze between the bars of the one at the Nipple.
DO BRANCH OUT AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS
You forgot to take your BlackBerry out of your jorts before getting dunked in the upper Quad, and before you can clamber out of the tank and wipe dripping mascara off your face, your friends are gone. Panic? Not so fast, sister. Fling is a hotbed for unlikely social connections. Start a conversation with that edgy, unapproachable senior in your Film Theory class. Buy an EMT a fried oreo because, trust me, they’re stoned and STARVING. It doesn’t matter if you have anything in common, because for two rare days at Penn everyone is dazed, lost and friendlier than they’ve ever been. So don’t let this opportunity go. Just don’t expect to be friends on Monday.
DO DOCUMENT THE WEEKEND
It’s a simple fact that the best Flings are not the ones that can’t be remembered. But despite your best intentions, Quad–induced blackouts do happen. Since that hottie in your Spanish class won’t find you particularly guapo if you sheepishly admit that you have zero recollection of the weekend, carry a camera with you at all times, and snap away. Odds are you’ll be embarrassed by a fair share of the photos you’ve taken, but Fling also gives you enough photographic memories to last a lifetime. Besides, when it comes to Facebook photos, it’s about quantity over quality.
DON’T STEAL A RABBIT FROM THE PETTING ZOO
They’re small and soft and cuddly and since Easter is right around the corner, it might seem timely, but stealing a rabbit from the petting zoo is a horrible idea. They may look cute now, but after hiding under your bed for a week, your new–found friend’s odors and temperment might start to get on your nerves. You think mouse poop is gross? Try cleaning up crap twice that size. Most importantly, your fuzzy companion probably doesn’t like you nearly as much as you think. That vibration against your chest as you hold him and admire the pigmy goat in the corner of Zete’s living room isn’t a purr; it’s the little guy about to have a heart attack. Start feeling guilty.