Never Say Never screened last night at midnight, and Street was there with our 3D glasses. Because a single review just can’t encapsulate every nook and cranny of Bieber’s genius, Street sent three reporters: high, drunk and sober.
Also, here is a video of some people who had the fever last night:
Never Say Never begins with a purple gorilla swimming toward you. Then they break the fourth wall when a guy who works at the theater comes to fix the color. And all the colors matched. Let’s cut to the chase: and then Justin Bieber was a baby. So he went to the grandma’s house, and she really didnt have a really nice house I kind of felt sorry for her. Interspersed through all this was footage from Mr. Bieber’s great new show! Wait we didn’t talk about his friends. All of his Canadian friends had helmets on, too. So they got some maple syrup or something. While playing basketball.
Usher ushers enthusiasm as Bieber sings it to the mountains. They exchanged hugs. Then all of a sudden he’s sick, and the clock is really ticking now. There’s 0 days left till his concert, and he is mute! The doctors try to help, but in the end they can’t save him and he moves on. Just kidding, they helped him. So chill. And then he sings this song about losing your virginity on stage, to a room full of 8 year olds. That’s kind of fucked up now that we have seen it written out like that.
And then Boyz 2 Men, and they were like “baby, baby, baby” ohhhhhh. And then he sang up in a heart like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge when she sings that Madonna song. And it’s actually kind of beautiful. And then if you’re an eight year old who has never had an orgasm before, you got your money’s worth.
Overall, we thought it was cool. There was the confetti at the end. It was like you could touch it. It was like you were at the Superbowl. Sometimes I felt like Justin Bieber was like Citizen Kane. He could play drums really well when he was a kid and he plays basketball. Shoot the J.
Somewehere in there he competed in a talent show and lost. We’re impressed by the person who beat him. We bet you work at Kinko’s now though, you bitch.
However, the one major factual inaccuracy of the movie commits quite the mental fallacy: Justin’s mother (who I must take a moment to tell you, looked like she was 22) at one point said that she “called him from [my] computer phone on an unknown number.” This really doesn’t make sense and we’re pretty sure that that sort of technology doesn’t exist yet.
Don’t forget to RSVP to the Oscars, Justin!
He grew. Wait he’s a legit good drummer. Shit. He’s like kind of musical. Since when is this dude good at drums???!? Omg msg he’s there at it. He’s really hot. Fuck.
Omg lights! In msg! justin. Do me now. Is this innappropriate? You’re just a kid, ya know? Pruple sweatshit and white suits. Amazing combo. Ew chill with the mackin. Stop tempting me. Omg. Shirtless.
Omg thoze drunk bitches.
Oh hey has such a fabukous famuly! So many ysl shirts. Scrappppy you’re so chill ya know. Just goofin around. That’s the fam ya know. He’s so fuckin little. Fuck me hard. Fuck
Kenny is justin’s everything.
I need a razor. A razor, really? He’s pubescent love himmmmmm.
His dad is a fuckin loser. I’m losin the drunkenness. Whoopsie.
Justin beibeer with boyz to men. That’s just hilarious, even in 3D.
Everyone’s just so happoy cause this kid is making them millions of dollars. So explloited dude, ive seen it before. Not in 3D though
Omg. His grandpa loves killing animals. Taxonomy for lyfe.
What’s a computer phone? What is that???? That’s what scooter contacted justin’s mom on.
They don’t talk about jusdin dancing. Did he just make that upp dunks can’t do all of that. Oi Justin is so cool. Don’t say a word. Omg purple.
“Mccauly kaulkin of music. The face. The hair. He was brave. When it wasall said and doen I was beyond convinced usher had delivered a gift” –l.a. Reid.
They show these home videos to prove that he’s actually talented.
“I’m so excited to go to hartford”
Snoop wants justin to wear pigtails. Yeah chelsea handler. Yeah michelle obama. He’s a giant artists who sells giant arena. On his rexord on his first year and ahalf.
Somebody to love. This is amazing. I knwo you’re fucking selena gomax so don’t play cute. You’re really talented, and that’s a turn on. We’re loving this. Msg represents the pinnacle of success for an artist (and for this kid to play msg? Gimme a beak this just doesn’t happen). OMG usher!!!! You guys are really good dancers. And just like, good friends ya know. Somebody to lovveeee. I need soembody, I, I need somebody.
Shit, do I have to be slutty to be a one less only girl. Yes, that’s definitely true. Omg justin touch me!! Please! I’ll cum in your mouth. In front of like, a million people.
“Jayden smith, karate expert.” Jayden SUCKS.
Falling asleepp. As he gets healthy for life. It’s a known thing. Making it dramatic.
[umm I fell asleep at the end hahahaha. fuck. I fell asleep. I'm a joke. No one respects me. I fell asleep before Bieber ended. Did I miss him say "Never say never"?!?! Either way baby baby baby. Encore!!!!]
Someone call a doctor, because I’ve come down with a case of Bieber fever. Before seeing Never Say Never, I tried to steer clear of the hoopla surrounding the heartthrob, but the film is an expertly designed tool to make fans swoon and turn haters into beliebers.
By the end of the film, I had two revelations. First, J. Biebs actually has talent. Yeah, his voice is kinda whiny, but he is a master at the drums, and he can seriously dance. It’s funny to think that he’s probably missing a school dance somewhere in Canada to match Usher move for move during their duet. Which brings me to my second realization: he’s just a kid. I know, I know, he’s not your average teenager, but he seems remarkably normal, even down-to-earth, over the course of the film, spending time with his grandparents and playing pick-up basketball.
Honestly, you’d have to have a heart of stone to sit through the movie, sober or not, and not come away with a favorable impression of the pint-sized superstar. His team, from his manager to his stylist(s) to his mom, seems hell-bent on ensuring that the Biebs stays grounded, and whatever they’re doing seems to be working. He has toured the world, sold millions of albums and has more fans than he knows what to do with. While I might not be like 8-year-old Madison “Bieber,” a super fan whose marriage ideas seemed a little too real, you can add me to the list.