I LIKE BIG BANDS
By Bubba “Hands” McNulty
Hey fellas. Depression got you down? Is Franklin Roosevelt not the gent you thought he was? Did you also think polio was a game rich British people play on horses? Yeah, we understand. Times are tough. So what is there to do for a young man around town, just trying to find a flame, just trying to blow his wig? These are serious questions, even for someone living in a cardboard box. Especially for someone living in a cardboard box. You know how tough those Hooverville dames can get, with the malnourishment and all.
So how can you get the best bang for your buck? If you’re gonna shell out two dimes for you and your girl, what kind of show do you want to see? And no, I don’t mean that kind of show, you greaseball. I’m talking about big band! Duke Ellington, Benny Goodman and “Hands” McNulty (That’s me). If you’re going out to catch some tunes, why not catch some BIG tunes, played by 25 people or more? Your local soup kitchen may run out of porridge, but Bubba never runs out of saxophonists. I’ve got over 50 lined up, packed away with the symbols and snare drums. They’re barely even people; they’re just instruments! My band is so big I once made a stage collapse
No, but I don’t really mean that, fella. I love my band. When you combine 21 trumpeters, it’s almost like one whole, talented musician! But seriously, we’re very talented. Please come to our show.
I LIKE SMALL BANDS
By Duke Smellington
Sure, big band music is the cat’s pajamas. The bee’s knees. The most happening scene out there. But, of late, I have begun to tire of the overwhelmingly “big” sound. Sometimes, Benny Goodman’s swing grooves are simply too much to handle; with 25 players behind him, that cat makes music that is simply too big for my regular–sized ears. This is why I have turned to tiny band music — the perfect music for these hard times.
No longer relegated to just the World’s Fair or the circus, tiny bands — featuring the most talented midgets around — are taking our fair nation by storm. It is difficult to resist the appeal of their miniature instruments and adorably wee costumes. Even the most outdated, overplayed songs sound better when played by a tiny band — the Bob Hermine’s Midget Band version of “When the Saints Go Marching In” is a delight to the ears. In fact, his troupe of patriotic midgets has been brightening lives across the country, with their star–spangled costumes and elaborate routines.
The economic benefits of tiny band music are multitudinous. Because their members are smaller than those of a usual band, they require less food and drink, preserving valuable resources for the rest of us. Their smaller clothes and instruments conserve fabric and metal … it’s a shame everyone isn’t as tiny as they are, for our days of rationing would be over!
If you’re looking for an economically conscious, petite–sized way to enjoy some of your favorite tunes, look no further than tiny band music. Mark our words, the popularity of these fine midget bands will spread faster than rumors of free food down the street!