Though all of our purses feel a mite lighter of late, the ladies need never concern themselves with such matters of politick and finance! Here are some friendly tips on how to woo a sweet lassie without burdening her with the knowledge that you are as penniless as a common, Gypsy rogue.
• Ask a hobo friend to grow a mustache and tie her to a train track. As soon as the old choo–choo comes within eyesight, gallantly rush to her and loose her binds just before she is ground into hog feed.
• The way to a girl’s heart is her uterus. Get her baby–bound. Cheap, fun and warm, making whoopie may scare a girl at first, but as soon as she’s stork’d she’ll be sizzling for ya!
• Save up all your rations for a week. Right before the Angel of Death is about to descend upon your famished body, invite the little lady over for a feast of tinned ham and dandelion stew that she won’t soon forget.
• Listen in on some diddies on the wireless. The girls go crazy when Old Sexton croons the newest Cole Porter ballads. And if her pap isn’t watching you can sit on the same sofa!
• Don’t underestimate the power of a glug of corn alcohol from your neighbor’s bathtub. Those pantaloons won’t stay on for nary an hour!
• Pummel an Irish drunk in a bout of fisticuffs. Give her one of his teeth as a prize and she’ll be so impressed you may just get to see a flash of shoulder or perchance EVEN an ankle.
• Don’t give her tuberculosis. Nothing slows down a hot courtship like a case of the black lung.
• Grow a swanky Charlie Chaplin–style mustache — minimal upkeep and all the rage in Europe.
• If you ever need a buck in a pinch, use credit. We’re pretty certain it’s free money!
• Let her win once in a while when you’re playing a rousing round of toss the dirt clod. Women love to feel athletic.
• If you’re looking scruffy and can’t afford a can of pomade before the big date, pork fat is a cheap, reliable substitute you can find in the kitchen of any respectable eatery. Grab a fistful and slick away!
• Hire a gang of orphans to sing love songs for you and her to dance to. Shant cost more than a nickel and those motherless tots get plenty of practice when they sing themselves to sleep every night!
• Gain a competitive edge over your rival suitors by convincing her that you are Prussian royalty. Every gal dreams of being swept off her feet by a Prussian.
• Read her the steamiest passages from Genesis. Adam and Eve get a nice girl in the mood more than any Devil’s drink ever could.
• Give her a foot massage. Just be careful not to put too much pressure on the festering blisters that women get from all that field labor.
• Shoot a snowy owl and stuff it for her. A beautiful gift — and one less pesky over–abundant hoot–fowl!
• Always remember: if she just can’t be won, you can always set your eyes on one of her 17 sisters.