From Eleanor’s Kitchen To Your Stomach

By Linus Breadman

Street: Eleanor, this Jell–O salad is simply magnificent. What’s in it?
Eleanor Roosevelt: Lemon Jell–O, canned pineapple, carrots, mayonnaise and chopped walnuts. It’s easy to make and feels like a bowling ball in your stomach!

Street: Speaking of cheap, how do you keep the White House kitchen cost–efficient?
ER: Well, we only buy food for me, Franky Boy and the dogs. Everyone else kind of fends for themselves these days.

Street: What’s your favorite food these days?
ER: Cheese souffle! Having high cholesterol has never stopped me and my love of dairy.

Street: How are you enjoying the recent legalization of alcohol?
ER: Aw hell son, I’m drunk right now.

Street: Really Eleanor? What have you been drinking?
ER: Whiskey. On the rocks.

Street: Oh wow. Can I have some? We haven’t got any whiskey at the shelter.
ER: No.

Street: Why not?
ER: Are you my husband or my dog? (Slightly slurred.)

Street: Well no … but can I be your bitch?
ER: Get out!!!!!!!

Street had to cut this interview short because of Eleanor’s drunk and disorderly conduct. Please join President Franklin Delano Roosevelt for a fireside chat tomorrow at 6 p.m.