As we all know, going grocery shopping can be a chore. Luckily for us, going to Freshgrocer is more like a party in your cart — everyone is invited! In reality, it’s just you and Fraser Frazier who are at that party, and it’s the worst party ever. This 17-year-old Southwest Philly native tries to make our mundane lives a little more bearable, a little more exciting and, dare I say, a whole lot redder.
How long have you been working here?
Since late June. I was working at the McDonald’s since March, and then they fired me in August. I told my manager to kiss my white black ass after she shaved it so she wouldn’t get a red mustache.
What year are you in high school?
I’m a junior. Bartram Human Resources right here on 42nd and Ludlow.
How do you keep work interesting?
I tell jokes to the customers and talk to them and stuff.
Do you have repeat customers come to your line?
Yeah. You get the same people coming in everyday and whatnot.
Your brother works here, too. Is he older or younger?
He is older. 18.
What’s his story?
You don’t want to know.
What do you do besides school and work?
I do web site design and a lot of other weird things. Now I’m doing work for Bartram Human Services. I do a lot of hacking myself, bootlegging software and CD’s. I also DJ. Instead of doing it with turntables I do everything by computer. Using Tractor or PC DJ, FX, stuff like that. And the last time I paid for software or a CD, I don’t even know.
What are your plans after High School?
I think I’ll go to college, myself. Taking up Criminal Justice, get into law school, stuff like that…. For once I will be in the courtroom and not be the defendant.
You’ve had some run-ins with the law?
Many a time. One time I got into two situations with the traffic court up here on Eighth and Spring Garden because my brother accidentally used — well, not accidentally — my identity because there was something out on him. But it was legit because I had court documents saying I was 100 miles away in the Poconos at the time of the incident. I also did some snowboarding up there, too.
So snowboarding is another hobby?
Yeah, and one time I did this weird thing on a skateboard with my legs behind my head and my hands on the board. It was nuts.
On average, how much douche do you sell in a week?
I don’t see too many people come into my line with douche bags. But aisle five has to be restocked probably once a week.
And aisle five is the douche aisle?
All douche, all pads, all tampons and baby stuff, too.
Well, it’s all the same area.
When someone asks me where something is, I tell them aisle five, even though it might be aisle three or something. “Yeah, it’s in aisle five, right next to the douche.”
Do you ever have someone try to buy extra large condoms and you just know they are really extra small?
Two nights ago a guy came up to me while we were stocking overnight. My co-workers said, “You might be able to help this guy out since you do [Health and Beauty].” So the guy asked me, “Do you sell smaller condoms?” And I’m trying to keep from cracking up, and everyone else is cracking up. I told him the Lifestyles are smaller than the Trojans, and Magnums are extra large. It turned out he was looking for smaller packs of condoms.
I always feel “extra-sensitive” or “extra-pleasure” are just euphemisms for “extra-small.”
Well, I always keep a ribbed one in my back pocket. I have a feeling it will be in there for a while.
If you could be a cartoon character what would you be?
I don’t know.
No. I’m trying to think of the dude… the one character that’s always burned out?
Towelie from South Park?
Yeah! That’s the guy.
If there were a movie made about your life, what actor would play you?
Maybe Al Pacino, so he could do that Scarface thing. You know, “You fuck with me, you fuck with the best. I am Fraser W. Frazier. Say hello to my little beasted friend!” And he picks up a cat. [Motions like he is picking up a large cat.] “Meow.” “Oh, I said my beasted friend, wrong friend. My little friend!” [Motions like he is picking up a large gun.]
Do you have a cat?
Yeah. Her name is The Beasted One.
Oh, well that explains that, then.
When she was four months old, she weighed as much as a full grown cat.
How much does she weigh?
I don’t know. Maybe six or eight pounds. What, do you want me to put my cat on my cocaine scale or something? “Hmm, she weighs about 3,284 grams.” Like I have a cocaine scale.
Thoughts on Margaret Cho.
Who the hell is she?
Well spoken. Thoughts on the Penn community?
You wonder sometimes. They are supposed to be some of the smartest people in the world. Then why the heck do 20 of them line up in the Express Lane when there are four other registers open?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I don’t know. Still in high school, probably.
Any future aspirations?
Get out of Freshgrocer.